Curtain call

After Jersey City we prepared for the final state in our tour - Delaware. We didn’t plan to do ‘The First State’ last - it just happened. Apparently the universe has a corny sense of humor.

Reaching our 50th state and doing our last show of the trip was a big moment for us. Only a year ago we had been chugging coffee and dreaming up this crazy scheme, and now we were about to achieve our goal. It was a good feeling.

Ridin dirty

The van was a faithful vehicle (and house) for the entirety of the trip. Through thick and thin it always did its job. Aside from routine maintenance and the occasional part replacement, we really didn’t have many issues.

When we first started out on our tour we were quick to address any needs. If the tires looked low, we filled ‘em up right away. If we heard a weird sound, we’d pop the hood and tool around until it was fixed. And if a service light came on, we took it to the shop immediately. By this point of our journey, we didn’t do shit. We literally drove til the wheels came off.

Seriously, though - the van had major problems that were swiftly brushed under the rug. We could only focus on getting home - nothing else mattered. If a service light came on, we’d place bets on how long it’d take until the notification light gave up and shut off. We knew we were rolling the dice but decided to keep on truckin’.

Ignoring the problems made everything worse, of course. The vans transmission doesn’t have ‘park’. It’s held still in neutral with the emergency brake - which had long since stopped working. This gave us two choices: only park on perfectly level surfaces or watch as the van rolled away. Most people never have to worry about this but take it from us - almost no streets are perfectly level.

By the time we reached Delaware we were driving on hopes and prayers.

Dive Bar

The show was at The Jackson Inn in Wilmington. It was a cozy dive bar that had all the ingredients for a great comedy show: dim lighting, cheap beer, and drunk people. We got in and chatted with the host of the show -- a really chill dude who was awesome to give us spots on his showcase at the last minute.

After a while, Dan went to use the restroom but quickly returned to our table. He told us there was a huge shit blocking the toilet. One of the comics asked why he didn’t simply flush it. That sounds like a logical thing to do but it’s actually a huge risk.

If you flush a massive turd and clog the toilet, you get all the blame whether its your turd or not. Worse yet, you’re now splashing through shit water and will forever be known as the guy who dropped a huge deuce and created a revolting mess. It’s all over for you at that point - you just have to lean into your new identity.

I ended up using that very toilet later on that night and it proved embarrassing ... not for me, though. If you’ve ever been to a dive bar then you know the toilet situation is abysmal. Most stalls don’t have doors, and those that do are always hideously misshapen. They resemble swinging doors at a saloon and reveal way too much of the person within.

This particular stall started at about chin-level, so I assumed anyone entering the restroom would see my feet (and entire body) under the door and not enter. I was wrong. Mid-shit, someone opened the door. Horror washed across this dudes face as he saw me squeezing one out. He screamed “Oh, god! I’m so sorry!” and ran out.

He was far more embarrassed than I was. With the design of the stall, I already assumed people could see me shitting. This dude was so embarrassed that he left the bar. Didn’t see him again for the rest of the night - which was probably a good thing. The comedian-audience dynamic has to shift in some weird way once you’ve seen each others assholes.

Showtime

The show was awesome. Again, the host really pulled through by putting us up on his showcase on short notice. The host asked if we wanted to do 10, we said we were working on new stuff and would do 7, and then we both ended up doing 9. It was weird pacing but it seemed to work really well. We had a great audience response and it felt awesome to finish the tour with a killer set.

That’s all, folks!

The trip was amazing in so many ways - far more than can be conveyed in a single summary-paragraph. We’re working on a recap article to discuss our experiences, reflections, and what we learned. Keep an eye out for it!