Letzzz hit the road

The ride from Las Vegas to San Diego was a pedal to the metal affair. One of our headlights burned out so we had to arrive before nightfall. Our headlights were dim when we had two, so losing one made seeing anything in the dark nearly impossible. A candle would’ve provided more light. It’s amazing we didn’t get lost.

The ride itself really wasn’t particularly noteworthy except for a sign which announced a town named “Zzyzx”. That’s not a typo - that was the actual name.  We could only surmise that during the naming ceremony the towns founder was electrocuted mid-sentence.

As Pennsylvanians, we’re no strangers to oddly named towns. Intercourse and Blue Ball are real towns located only 8 miles apart.

Honestly, the names don’t bother us at all. What bothers us is the enormous missed opportunity by the founders to space the towns 69 miles apart.

There’s another town in PA named Bird in Hand, and we hope it was so named to chide Intercourse and Blue Ball for missing a killer joke. Or perhaps it’s named for its own unique and intimate purpose.

Make yourself at home

The Panera in San Diego was much nicer than most we’ve visited across the country. It was clean and bright. All the furniture was made of whitewood. It looked like a fancy setting for wine tasting as opposed to what most look like (places for homeless people to charge their first-gen tablets). It was fitting that we had a unique experience in the unique Panera.

I went to use the restroom but the only stall was occupied. I came back to the table and said “Damn, I wish there was more than one stall in there. I’ve gotta go!” to which Dan replied “What? There’s a bunch of stalls in there”. I was pretty confident I only saw one, but I went back to double check. After looking around, I confirmed there was still just the one. Then I realized ...

It’s happened to every guy at one point or another - you walk into a restroom and don’t see any urinals -- just a bunch of stalls. Your first thought is “hmm that’s weird”. But before you finish that thought, your brain screams “FUCK! It’s because we’re in the ladies room!” and you rush out, embarrassed.

Not Dan. He went in, saw a bunch of stalls, and decided it was a luxury poop palace. I can only imagine the terrified expressions worn by women in adjacent stalls upon hearing the deep, guttural moans of a man squeezing out a greasy shit. I’d’ve paid to see the shock when women saw this emerge from within.

Flatlining

We hoped the headlight was the only automotive issue we’d face in San Diego but luckily we also got a flat tire. We arrived at our friends house and she basically willed the flat into existence. We were trying to park in her narrow back alley (not a euphemism) when she came outside and said “You guys have a flat”. The tire was absolutely fine before - but the moment her sentence ended, the tire exploded. We pulled out of the alley and finished on the pillow, I mean parked on the street.

Our friends took us out in the North Park area. It was awesome to grab food and catch up. We got on the topic of legal weed and mentioned the leftover edibles from Denver. When we got back to their house we walked to where the van was parked to retrieve what edibles remained.

Hey, neighbor!

As we were getting out of the van, the man whose house we parked in front of came out and told us we couldn’t park there. Apparently shantytowns had been popping up in the neighborhood from so many people living out of their vehicles. The guy saw our flat tire and figured we were there to stay. He was not on board.

We had to convince this man that we were not shady characters, which was difficult considering we were carrying drugs out of our van/house. We assured him we were not trying to set down roots in front of his property -- it was Easter Sunday and no tire shops were open. He agreed to let us tow the van out the following morning and was actually chill about the whole thing.

Pre-game show ...

We walked around the area before the show began, and saw a strange scene. A truck was blocking a car from exiting a parking lot. In the car sat a terrified man. The window was opened just a crack, and outside stood a woman pounding the door, screaming “Oh yeah?! You’re staying at home tonight, huh? WHY ARE YOU HERE THEN? WHO ARE YOU GOING TO SEE?!”. The man held his hands up above the steering wheel as if trying to surrender.

We walked into the venue to sign up. When we came back out, the scene from cheaters was still in full swing. The woman was now standing on the hood of the guys car and pounding on the roof.

Showtime

The first show was a fucking nightmare (it was a mic). The website said signups were at 6:30 so we got there early to secure good spots. When we arrived at 5:45, numbers one through seventeen were already taken. Perfect. To make matters worse, a standup class was managed through this place and we got bumped by every single student.

We’ve done so many shitty mics that we’re not really phased - but for this particular mic Dan’s friends and family all came out to see us perform. We felt terrible that they had to sit through and often be part of the ‘crowd work’ for the 27 performers before us (because no one else was in the audience).

To add insult to injury, everyone made fun of us for choosing that particular spot afterwards. Apparently it was in a really boring area and a hassle to get to. When they had punched the address into their respective GPS’, it said the place was permanently closed. It was a shit experience but we all had drinks and laughed about it after.

Showtime part deux

The next show was at the Comedy Store in La Jolla. We were excited to have a ‘good mic’ after the previous horrific one. What made the last one so unbearable was the abundance of people trying to riff without having any material. Even with nothing they’d pace the stage and ask “What else” as if they were cooking on some good bits.

To our astonishment, some of the same people from the previous mic got up and did the same time-wasting horseshit. Like “What’s in the news recently …. Uhm… let’s see … ahhh” and then have unfunny, mundane commentary on it.

We were so glad that the host, after a few of these ‘sets’, set everyone straight, saying “Guys, you’ve gotta makes jokes up here. You need to at least try. Don’t waste everyone's time”. It was good to see they have higher standards at the Store.

After the show we raced across the city to watch a standup show at Whistle Stop. Adam Ray was headlining and it was an awesome show. Dan's friends and family also came, so luckily they were able to see what real comedy looks like vs. open mic comedy.

The next stop was LA.