Phoenix Rising

After Tucson, we headed to Phoenix. Temperatures were sizzling, but the locals were quick to remind us that it was a dry heat. The heat didn’t bother locals one bit. They were out in droves and we noticed no one was walking -- everyone was riding a longboard. We wanted so badly to see a stone lodge in a wheel and send someone flyinging headlong into a mailbox, but no luck.

Those who weren’t on longboards were riding those electric scooters that are popping up in more and more cities. We couldn’t walk down any sidewalk without people zipping right up our assholes. We even saw a couple riding one together, smiling and laughing as their hair blew in the wind. It looked like one of those happy photos that sit on an easel right next to caskets of people who die tragically young.

Luckily, we had friends in Phoenix who let us crash at their place. It was a saving grace, because the van was unbearable. After sitting in the sun, the interior was an inferno.

DIY!

We’ve talked about it before, but we didn’t do a great job insulating the van (read: we failed miserably). The purpose of insulation is to reduce the amount of heat that gets in on hot days and prevent heat loss on cold days. Put another way, it’s supposed to keep the outside elements out.

If we had done nothing, the van probably would’ve been better off. We’re not sure how, but we managed to create reverse-insulation where outside temperatures are amplified inside. If it’s cold outside, the van is arctic. If it’s hot outside, the van is volcanic -- hot enough to make even the most sun-baked Arizonan blush.

In terms of temperature, our van only has two seasons: summer and winter.

Showtime

Arizona doesn’t observe daylight savings time, and they’re dicks about it. We read an article from the Mayor of Arizona that could be roughly paraphrased “You guys need to SAVE your sunlight?! Hahaha. What pussies. I bet you have wet heat”.

We needed to figure out what time the shows were actually at. In Arizona, different territories and reservations make their own determination about daylight savings time. This means you can drive from one part of the state into another and be either an hour early or hour late.

We found the correct time and went to the show, which was awesome. It was a showcase competition for a spot at the Big Pine Comedy festival. We were on the show as features - not competitors - so it was an easy, stress-free night. The club was beautiful and the crowd was great - we couldn’t have asked for more.

Fix ‘er up

We had planned to do another comedy showcase the following night, but the vans side door crapped out an hour before the show. The sliding mechanism snapped off and the door was hanging on by a thread. If we decided to drive before fixing it, the door would’ve fallen off and skittered off into traffic. It was a tough choice, but we had to forgo the showcase to fix the door.

It took two hours, but we got the door to a point where it wouldn’t fly off. We muscled the sliding mechanism back into its track and got the locking lever to connect. The door almost closed perfectly, but a slight gap remained open. We had to order a few parts the next day to fully complete the job.

When we finished, we were covered in oil and grime from the fix and looking particularly manly. Dan wanted to send a picture to his dad in this macho state to prove that he’s not gay, so we had our friends snap a photo. Only by this point, the sun was setting - so instead of looking like manly men, we looked like two greased-up lovers enjoying a romantic sunset. Needless to say, he didn’t send it.

Once the van was roadworthy, we embarked on the the six and a half hour drive to Albuquerque. Cruising at a solid 80 mph the whole way, the mild crack in the door funneled every bit of cold air directly inside the van. Against all odds, it froze the van more quickly than our reverse insulation.