Gone with the wind

We arrived in Dallas just after midnight. It took about five hours driving from Fayetteville, and we were exhausted. All we wanted to do was pass out but the wind was incredibly strong. The van was getting rocked. It’s a tall vehicle, so wind really flows under and gives it some lift. Every time the van swayed, we felt it.

We tried to sleep, but it was impossible in the van. It began shaking so violently we had to grab a motel room, which was only slightly better.

The next morning we went to Panera Bread to get some work done. When I went to buy a cup of coffee, the cashier told me the transaction couldn’t be processed. I thought it was strange, but paid in cash and went back to my computer. After checking my online banking statement, I saw that a withdrawal had been made from an ATM in New York.

I was the victim of card fraud. I really didn’t care - my money would be replaced, but I felt bad for the thief; I’m so broke that he only got $40. The risk was definitely not worth the reward. He probably spent a lot of money on a card skimmer, then learned how to hack bank info and retrieve pin codes. He even risked felony charges and jail time with the actual theft, all for a paltry $40 dollars.

The poor guy. He laid out an intricate plan, but didn’t anticipate an adult having a net worth less than the contents of a 4th graders piggy bank. He must’ve been so embarrassed.

He could’ve got $60 dollars if he hadn’t checked the account balance. There was $61 dollars in my account (not bragging), but the inquiry fee cost him (me) $3 dollars -- bringing the available funds to $58. The poor sap should’ve chosen the quick $60 option off the bat. Honestly, I’m hoping he feels bad for me and starts depositing money into my account.

Spare some change?

With basically no money left and payday two days away, I needed to collect some loose change in the van and change it to cash. Going to Coinstar as a child was magical. After socking away change for months, your copper harvest finally yielded cold, hard cash. With a couple bucks in your pocket, you were flush. It was ice cream, bubble gum, and baseball cards for days.

The entire Coinstar experience was exhilarating. You’d lug a heavy sack of change to the machine with a smug grin of forthcoming wealth. After dumping the contents into the basket, the automated counter whirred to life in a sweet symphony of of cha-chings. Flashing lights and scrolling digits made you feel like a high roller at the casino. It even felt like winning a jackpot; in the end you’d redeem a ticket for cash.

When you’re an adult, it’s a different experience entirely. It’s embarrassing. You’re so broke that you’ve resorted to change. You try not to draw attention, but it’s impossible. You stand there, head down, staring at your shoes, and feel every eye in the store burning holes in your back. You can hear everyone thinking “Look at that broke piece of shit. Let’s kill him”.

Let’s do this

The first mic we did was at a bar. The room was bisected into a bar area and a performance area. Acoustically, all the noise from the bar section carried over to the comics section, so we really had to fight for attention that night. The structure of this mic was 3 rounds, 8 comics per round. The winner of each round won a $10 bar tab. It was a cool show with a great host.

The next day we decided to do some sightseeing. We don’t mind doing touristy things when we’re out of town, because we are tourists. There are few people more annoying than the “I don’t want to do regular tourist things, I want to do what locals do”. Wow, look at you. You’re not just any traveler. I bet you’ve even been to Europe.

Whenever people visited us in Philly and demanded to do ‘what locals do’, we wanted so badly to say “Ok, then. Get into your PJ’s and pop a seat on the couch -- we’re watching Netflix all weekend”.

When we tour new cities, we choose attractions based on personal recommendations or high Google ratings. It’s nice having a reference database for reviews, but if we’re being honest, not everything needs to be reviewed. For example - bodies of water. What’s there even to say?

There are even prison reviews on there. Firstly, reviews are meant to steer people toward or away from a location, which is to say choice is involved. Not the case for prison (usually). Secondly, and shockingly, there were some decent reviews in there. We expected every review to read: 1 star - would NOT recommend.

Round 2

The next show we did was in Fort Worth. The room was considerably larger and much calmer than the previous show. There was a large range of talent from new, to touring professionals, to local club openers. Overall the level of talent in Dallas/Fort Worth was high. There were a lot of good people putting on fun shows.

We typically hang with other comics after each show. It’s entertaining to exchange stories and get to know one another, and local comics always let us know about other shows. If our schedule isn’t tight, we sometimes stay a few extra days and hit those mics, but in this case we had to move on. Our schedule had us in Austin the next day.