Let’s get weird

Dallas was a great town but we were ready to hit Austin. Everyone always raves about the food, music, and nature. Dan C also lived there for a stretch after college and knew the best spots.

We arrived in the middle of the SXSW festival, so the whole city was crazy. Most streets were blocked off or crawling with people, and to make matters worse, every single parking spot had a specific designation. We’d pull in and there’d be a sign saying ‘pickup only’ or ‘expectant mothers only’ or ‘manager parking’, ‘handicapped’, or ‘employee of the month’. It took quite a bit of time to find a spot.

Party down

Austin was incredibly lively. Music enthusiasts, film buffs, techies, political pundits, and folks of all stripes were out and about. There were even people taking wedding photographs in the street. We overheard two guys in front of us say “Dude, I’d rather hang myself than get married”.

It’s always strange when people take the lethal option when it’s not necessary. You ask someone if they like mustard and they’re like “I’d rather DIE than eat that”. It’s like -- “Ok, or you could just not have the mustard and keep living”. But at least in this case - marriage or noose - a knot’s getting tied either way.

After getting a solid food base we decided to see what kind of booze Austin had to offer. In addition to local breweries, there were also micro-distilleries that made vodka, whiskey, and moonshine. We tried a bit of each. When in Rome.

Some spirits were tasty, others had the consistency of jet fuel.

When you say a drink tasted too strong, there’s always one person who’s like “Oh, you gotta get REAL moonshine. With real moonshine, you can’t even taste it!”. Yes, you can. What the FUCK are you talking about? It’s 100% alcohol. You can absolutely taste it and feel it. It burns all the way down. Why would higher concentration make it weaker? If you were trapped in a house fire, you wouldn’t be like “these are really good flames, I can’t even feel them”.

First Show

The first mic was at a place with a large outdoor stage in the back. Before the stage was a large, open space with picnic benches and ample seating. As it was an all-comic mic, everyone sat as far away as physically possible. It was one of those mics where the locals warn “this one’s pretty rough”.

Most comics expected to bomb. They’d deliver a joke, not get anything, and then say “Wow, I guess I’m bombing. I guess this is bombing”. After about three silent sets in a row, a comic got up with a lot of energy and tried to get the room back.

He stalked back and forth across the stage like a circus barker, bellowing “Come on guys! Let’s get it going, let’s get laughing, this is gonna be great!!”. It got nothing. He did one joke after that, got nothing, and said said “Fuck this” dropped the mic, and walked off.

Dan and I don’t care about the room. When we first started, we were so nervous, thinking ‘Oh no! It’s an empty room! What if there are no laughs? What if we BOMB?”. No more. We do our time and try new jokes, that’s it. We can’t be hurt -- we’re already dead inside.

SXSW X2

The party continued into and through the next day. SXSW was still in full swing and things just kept getting weirder and weirder. At one point we went into a bar that had live music, and a group of hipsters were huddled together in some sort of spiritual awakening. We were careful not to shatter their religious ecstasy.

The musical prayer circle seemed normal compared to everything else in town. We talked to a couple of locals, and the activity they recommended most highly was ‘goat yoga’. You read that right. Goat. Yoga. Does it involve stretching out a goat? Does a goat stretch you? Is it a euphemism for fucking? We still don’t know.

What about personality?

Tinder profiles vary considerably from city to city. In Asheville, women highlight how much they love outdoor activities like hiking. In Miami, women talk about dancing and spending time at the beach. In Austin, women used Tinder to blatantly brag about themselves. It was the least slick shit we’ve ever seen. Every profile was like “Let’s play Two Truths and a Lie! I’ll start. I climbed mount Kilimanjaro, I run ultra marathons, and I’m dead”.

Second Show

The second mic was at a bar just outside the city limits. It felt very much like a local watering hole without the refinement of the city. Comics got 10 minutes each, which was awesome. It gave us a chance to try out new stuff to a room of comics. That’s the true testing ground for your material. If you can get a group of tired comics to chuckle, the joke is usually a winner.

The only downside was the same as the first mic -- some comics went up with an attitude like “Man, I’m just going to bomb. I’m gonna eat it”. It was annoying because … well, it’s kinda like this: certain movies are so bad they’re good. Some ‘bombs’ are like that; the comic goes up and tanks, but it’s funny. It’s so bad that it’s good.

Other movies are so bad that they’re just bad. That was how these ‘bombs’ felt. The comics would say “Oh, gee, I guess im bombing” and it wasn’t funny. It made the whole room feel uneasy.

Our next stop was Tucson - about a 13 hour drive from Austin. We hit the road after the show and knocked out a solid 4 hours. We broke up the drive by going a few hours, then checking out small towns in between.