Omaha

We left Overland Park with sights set on Omaha and got out of Kansas just in time - a rainstorm began hammering down as we were leaving.

When we visited LA, we didn’t see a single celebrity. But the moment we were on main street Omaha, we saw Jesse Eisenberg. He was walking down the street with his little daughter. We hope he was there for a shoot - if he was just on vacation in Nebraska, we’d have to seriously question his sanity.

Carbs are killers

We tried Omaha steaks and they were delicious. We told a local about it and he said “I know it tastes good but it’s loaded with saturated fats”. We should mention this guy recently dropped a few lbs, and there’s nothing worse than people that just lost weight. They constantly brag about losing 40 pounds, yet if they hadn’t said anything everyone would’ve assumed they just gained 80.

Even worse, they suddenly become exercise and nutrition experts. To be immensely overweight and advise healthier people about proper workout technique takes a serious set of balls.

Obesity is really the only disease where people brag and give advice once they overcome it. They’re always saying things like “The secret is just keep walkin’!”. You never see a person who beat depression march up to a group of happy people saying “The secret is just keep smilin’!”.

Chicanery

There’s all kinds of bullshit out there for weight loss and happiness. We saw an article recently that stated “one simple trick could boost confidence and reduce stress''. The magical trick? Holding a Superman for two minutes a day.

A compelling argument. Let’s see. On the one hand we have billions of dollars going into neuropharmacology research each year to study brain-chemical interaction and understand behavioral effects in the hope of improving mental health and quality of life.

And on the other hand, we have “Nah, fuck all that shit. Just stand like Superman!”. I wonder which has higher levels of efficacy. That’d be like tossing a paralyzed person in the ocean and saying “Don’t worry, just stand like Aquaman!”

The Zoo

Omaha has a zoo that everyone was very proud of. We checked it out and it was nice - but the best part of any public place is people watching and listening. We were standing outside the aquarium as a couple was discussing how smart all the fish were. I’m sorry, what?

Animals aren’t smart. They’re just not, at least in relation to humans. It’s not even close. Let’s take the dolphin for example. Dolphins are supposedly the most intelligent creatures in existence. Why? “Because they can communicate with other dolphins and have sex for pleasure”. That’s the bar? That literally describes every dude on planet Earth.

We seriously don’t understand why people think dolphins are so great. They act like dolphins can cure cancer or go to the moon. If dolphins ever build sophisticated underwater civilizations, I’ll be impressed. If they reverse engineer SCUBA, come to land, study humans, and open up “Landworld” with human exhibits under the sea, I’ll be impressed. Until then, I’ll wait for these dipshits to figure out how not to choke themselves on plastic.

Showtime

We featured on a monthly showcase at a club called The Backline. It was a nice spot where they hold standup, sketch, and improv shows.

The host kicked the show off nicely by connecting with local jokes. The next comic was a woman who hilariously described the weird shit she encounters in the hood. Dan and I went after her, and then it was the closer. The closer was a comic out of New York who’d been on Conan, Last Comic Standing, and a bunch of other shows. He talked about how underwhelming the Omaha zoo was.

After Omaha we began the long haul to Gillette, Wyoming. The first time we passed through Wyoming, we didn’t have any shows. All we managed to do was nail a hawk with the van. This time through we were opening shows for comedians out of LA and New York.