Bill-bored

The ride from Nashville to Memphis is just over three hours of long, empty highways dotted with Bible thumpin’ billboards. Every ten miles or so a new ad would appear with large text spouting nonsense like “In the beginning, GOD created...” accompanied by an image of evolution with a huge red ✖  through it.

Right when the idiocy of the last billboard was about to leave our minds, a new one would pop up with equally preposterous drivel like “After you die, you WILL meet God” or “Beyond reasonable doubt, JESUS IS ALIVE!”.

Once you’re fully under highway hypnosis you barely notice anything, let alone banal billboards. About 3/4ths of the way through the trip, Dan had long been daydreaming in the passenger seat and I was only just more cognizant of my surroundings than he. We were expecting to complete the journey on autopilot when suddenly the most peculiar billboard we’ve ever seen jarred us out of our reveries.

We were cruisin’ down the highway at a good clip when from the corner of my eye I spied what looked like an igloo built atop a billboard poking through a clutch of trees. I only managed to spit out “...Wha?” which snapped Dan awake. He quickly looked over and howled “What? WHAT?! Dude turn around. Turn AROUND! We gotta go back!”.

There’s no easy way to ‘go back’ on a major highway. You’re stuck until the nearest exit appears. Then you reenter in the opposite direction and drive until you can reverse again. We knew turning around would be at least a 20 minute detour but we had to{" "} do it. We needed to make sure we weren’t imagining things.

We were laughing the whole way back and keeping our eyes peeled for the nearest exit. After a few miles we saw the billboard from behind and confirmed it did indeed look as if an igloo or hill of some sort was built into the rear wood paneling.

When we finally faced it head-on, we had to pull over to really soak in what stood before us. Here’s the billboard.

Do you notice anything strange? Have a closer look

Still not getting it? It’s ok, third time’s a charm.

What. The FUCK. Is that? Who...? ...Why?! We had so many questions - none of which could be articulated through tears of laughter. Who made this decision? How did the conversation go?

Please wipe machines after use …

Laughing at the billboard gave us a solid ab workout before we even stepped foot in the gym. Our first stop in Memphis was Planet Fitness to get in a light workout before show. Everything was going well until some asshole wearing hospital scrubs decided to work out and sweat over every machine.

Wearing hospital gear outside hospitals is a HUGE pet peeve of ours. What the fuck are people thinking? “I’m gonna go get a quick lift in in my plague pajamas!”

Shouldn’t health care professionals be the most knowledgeable about the spread of disease and how to prevent it? You’re not even supposed to wash scrubs with other clothes because they’re so contaminated.

We even saw a lady in scrubs at the airport once, which is tantamount to international terrorism through germ warfare. We just don’t understand what goes through peoples heads. It’s almost as if they’re trying to get everyone sick so they’ll never be out of a job.

They may argue “My scrubs are clean, I’m going to the hospital after this!”. Oh, even better. Who wouldn’t want a noxious lungful of B.O. and a few droplets of sweat in the eye while having an IV switched. A thousand pardons. By all means carry on your workout. There’s definitely no way you could transmit MRSA or ringworm from exercise equipment to already weak patients.

Showtime

The show was at a bar that felt like it was someone’s living room. The tables and chairs were mixed in with couches, giving the space a homey air. The bar owners dog was also roaming around, providing a familial atmosphere. The dog was really sweet - it walked around and nuzzled up to just about everyone before settling down on a couch with Dan and I.

After a few minutes the host, a black female, walked in the side door and the dog went ballistic. It tore away from the couch and made beeline for her. The dog was only barking because someone new had entered - but from the hosts perspective it looked like we shouted “Sic ‘er!”

Thankfully she made a joke about it. The dog was licking her and she said “Did you guys train the dog specifically to attack black people?”. With that the tension evaporated.

No matter how many mics or shows we do, we can always see something for the first time. On this particular night, we saw a guy go on after the show ended. Apparently he forgot to write his name down, so as the host announced the end of the show, he yelled from the back “I still have to go!”.

This ensuing scene was not good. Everyone was shuffling around, confused, and kind of bummed to have to be quiet again all of a sudden. The guy got up and forgot most of his set. Half of the audience wasn’t paying attention as he stammered through the remainder, but commanding a room after the show had already “ended” is no small feat. After the show we went West to Tulsa.