Mizzura

Blinding red and blue lights beamed through the rear view mirror the moment we crossed from Iowa into Missouri. For the first time in 6 months we were getting pulled over. We were actually pretty impressed with ourselves - we had driven through 36 states without so much as a parking ticket until that point (and we could’ve had many). Our despicable infraction? Doing 80 in a 70.

It’s strange we were stopped for a mere 10 mph over, but stranger yet was the cop asking Dan to join him in his squad car to work out the fine. Usually after giving your license and registration, the cop fills out and returns with a ticket. Not in Missouri. You hang out and pal around in the squad car with ‘em.

Heat Wave

We got into Kansas City during a terrible heat wave - the coldest it got was 85 degrees. The extreme temperatures made it nearly impossible to sleep in the van. It was seriously like trying to sleep in a sauna. We’d hydrate all day just so we could survive the night. Exiting the van felt like being born all over again.

Our solution was extremely redneck. We blew fans over trays filled with ice.

The above setup is vastly superior to the vans setup. Instead of a table, we balanced our trays precariously wherever we could find space. Instead of sturdy, glass trays, we bought flimsy tin-foil trays that bent constantly. Whenever we shifted throughout the night, water spilled everywhere. It looked like we booby trapped ourselves. By morning the rug was soaked and already beginning to smell moldy. It was a really fun week.

Pro Show

Midway through our stay we got to see Tom Segura perform at the Arvest Bank Theater at The Midland. He tore the roof off the place.

The biggest crowd Dan and I have performed in front of was 250-300. This place must’ve had 1,500 people at a minimum. We can only imagine what it’s like to get a laugh that big and feel the power of it.

Showtime

The first mic was bucket style at a local comedy club. Some guys got 10 or 15 minutes, but most got 5. If you’d never been there before, you got 3 minutes. When the list came out, there were 45 comics on it. Dan and I were numbers 31 and 38. Even if everyone before did 3 minutes, we wouldn’t go up for hours. We crossed our names off the list and left.

People may think we’re spoiled or ‘not embracing the grind’ but we’re simply making better use of our time. It’s not worth waiting four hours to do three minutes. It’s just not. Our time is better spent writing, shooting video content, and reaching out to bookers.

There’s no benefit in performing at a mic (or anywhere, really) 3+ hours into a show. The audience is shot. You’ll probably end up performing to two people - your friend, and the tired host. We used to do these shows all the time.

An hour to an hour and a half should be the limit on any comedy show. Any longer and audiences become restless. Viewers of Netflix comedy specials only tune in for 30 minutes on average. That says something. That means even when watching the very best comedians, comedy fans are still like “Meh, let’s move on” after a half hour. And that's from the comfort of their own homes. How enthused do you think they’ll be to see amateur material 3 hours into a show from the relative discomfort of a club?

Improv

There was an improv mic the following day. We had seen pros doing improv standup in a series called ‘Standup Without a Net’ and wanted to give it a try ourselves. As you probably guessed, it’s much harder than traditional standup. We wanted to challenge ourselves.

For anyone unsure of what an improv mic entails, it works like this: a bowl is filled with random words or topics written on slips of paper. Every comedian picks three topics during their 5-minute set. Whatever the topic is, the comedian has to improvise jokes on the spot. No written or old material can be used.

Report Cards

Dan G: I did NOT do well. If my set were a pop quiz in school, I’d’ve got a 33%. I could only make 1 of the 3 topics funny. My first topic was cottage cheese. I talked about how stupid it is that people use cottage cheese to describe cellulite, like "look at those cottage cheese legs". I made some jokes questioning how and why cheese ever became the object to compare people to and questioned what other cheeses might make good descriptions. It got a few chuckles - which is a nice way of saying it failed.

The second topic I got was dead celebrities. I could’ve gone with some cheap Michael Jackson jokes but decided instead to go for the ‘higher ground’, and talk about how this year has been relatively good in terms of celebrity deaths as there haven't been many. I died upon that ‘high’ hill. I got no laughs.

The third topic was homeless people. This one finally worked. I made jokes about donating bluetooth headsets to the homeless because it would make them look less insane when talking to themselves. It was the only topic that worked.

Dan C: If I had to grade myself. I’d give myself a firm 15%, and then call my parents and tell them that little Danny probably isn’t going to college. I started strong with some decent crowdwork that worked off the weirdness of the previous comics (one stated that he wanted to fuck a dog, and the audience cheered). But then I started drawing topics.

First topic: Awkward Sexual Encounter

I relayed a story about trying to get laid in my girlfriend’s car in a park after hours. And when I took my pants off, a police light shot through the window and illuminated my ass in full glory. Every cop has a dashcam, and I’m positive that in some police vault there is a video of my 17-year old white ass. I did not get laid that night.

Second topic: Drugs

I rarely do drugs. But I riffed on using Adderal once when I worked in finance, and then instead of getting any work done, and decided to run the Brooklyn Bridge and talk to strangers for 4 hours.

Third Topic: Deer Crossing

I talked about driving through Wyoming and hitting the world’s largest bird, leaving a huge dent in the van. The van, as our 6 readers will know, already looks terrifying, it being an unmarked white van and all. But the red blood smeared across the front adds a new layer to our friendly van vibe.

None of these were particularly funny.

Grounded

Our report cards were lousy. We could FORGET about a congratulatory trip to Dairy Queen.

Although we ate it, the improv mic was a good experience. It was like doing a new workout that leaves you sore in places you didn’t know could get sore. It was a painful yet important reminder that an improv muscle lurks somewhere, and it demands to be strengthened.

After having our fun in Kansas City, we headed East for St. Louis.