Cincinnati
Spelling bee for $2,000
We drove from Indianapolis to Cincinnati. Who the hell decided the spelling for Cincinnati should have double N’s instead of double T’s? It makes no sense. It’s pronounced sin-sin-NATTI not sin-SINN-ati.
Sin-sin-Natty would, however, make an incredible regional marketing campaign
Spelling Cincinnati with three N’s and one T is like spelling Mississippi with 4 s’ and one P. You’d have to be a total moron.
"Let’s eat spaagheti in Misisssipi . Or cinammon rolls at Cinabbon"
If the painful spellings in the above caption didn’t make you cringe, you’re a turd. Now that we’ve got everyone on our side with that strong opening, let’s start the article!
Cut of the same cloth
Luckily Dan had a cousin in Cincinnati who let us crash at his place for three days. It felt amazing to get out of the heat and settle down for a bit.
Dan’s cousin (Peter) is a musician and crashing with him made us realize just how similar comedians and musicians are - at least in the beginning of their careers. Both operate in the performing arts, both perform in front of live audiences, both spend a lot of time practicing the craft, both work hard to get stage time, and both are starving. It’s almost the exact same grind.
There is one key difference, though: music makes you more attractive. We went to one of Peter’s shows and all the women in the audience were hot and bothered, fanning themselves as they ogled the guys on stage. This is not the case for comedy.
In music, the stage can transform hideous beasts into fuckable gods. In comedy, the stage can transform hideous beasts into funny hideous beasts.
Music
Guitarist off stage
Guitarist on stage
Comedy
Comedian off stage
Comedian on stage
If you’re still not convinced, just think about famous musicians for half a second. Mick Jagger. Keith Richards. Steven Tyler. Alice Cooper. Ed Sheeran. All of KISS. All of The Beatles. Hordes of women throw themselves at these toad-men. Do you think anyone is banging down the doors of Brian Posehn's tour bus?
Cafe days
We spent most of our days working and writing in hipster coffee shops. Those places are great for people watching and gathering new material. There’s something enjoyable about watching vacuous, pseudo-bohemian types try to out-point each other for ‘most enlightened’.
“I have two suspenders but they’re non-binary”
There’s always a bunch of feminist types hanging around as well, which is fun. Honestly, men should love feminism - it basically gives us everything we want.
Women: You think you can tell us how to dress? Well we're DONE wearing bras!
Men: Oh .. nooo.
Women: Yep. Take that, buster! And we're going to pay for our own dinner too!
Men: Gee, you're really hitting us where it hurts. But you can’t just have promiscuous sex.
Women: Take off your pants.
Losing senses
We had a few extra hours one afternoon and wanted to try something new. A friend recommended floating in a sensory deprivation tank -- they thought after spending so much time on the road, it’d be nice for us to have some quiet and solitude. Something where we could sit and collect our thoughts - maybe even think of new bits. We decided to try it out.
The worker at the place told us it takes a while to learn how to float properly -- but there’s nothing to learn. You just sit there. It’s like being told you have to learn how to recline.
“I think I’m getting the hang of it!”
When he was giving us the intro, he mentioned that they fill these tanks with “10,000 lbs” of salt. With the price of salt what it is, there is absolutely no way that they throw the salt away between uses. The only thing I could think when I entered was how recently this salt water was used. To add to that paranoia, I reached my hands out during my float, and felt the previous occupant’s earplugs. I could feel the ghosts of everyone who had ever entered this crypt.
“Alone at last”
Good eats
We tried a Cincinnati staple called Skyline Chili. If you haven’t heard of it, imagine chili slopped on ramen buried under a mountain of shredded cheese. It’s a culinary concoction only a stoned college student could devise. It’s the meal you demolish after 14 shots of Fireball at an after hours bar. Incidentally, nearly everyone at the restaurant was stoned or drunk.
Do you want ramen, chili, or nachos? “Yes”
Every city has at least one staggeringly unhealthy dish that they take pride in, even if it seems gross to outsiders. It’s like old tribal shit that you’re born into. Chicago has deep dish pizza, Pittsburgh has Primanti Bros, and of course Philly has cheesesteaks.
“Let this be a lesson to anyone who dares suggest cheez whiz is unhealthy”
Showtime
Before we even reached Cincinnati we already had a warm welcome awaiting us. One of the comedians we met in Indianapolis (shoutout Cam O’Connor) reached out to the Cincy comedy page on Facebook and let everyone know we were coming through. He told everyone that they should put us on shows - it was above and beyond nice!
We did a show at Mac’s pizza pub, which is technically Kentucky but we’re considering it Cincinnati because all the cincy comics said it was. Everyone much more lax about city boundaries in Cincinnati than in Philly. If you cross the bridge into Covington or Newport (both KY) they consider it Cincinnati. If you cross the bridge from Philly to Camden, you are in a land unto itself. No one would ever consider it a part of Philly.
The show was awesome. We talked to a bunch of comedians before the show who knew we were coming in, and they couldn’t have been friendlier. The host even gave us some extra stage time to work stuff out. The overall experience was awesome, and the comedians were hilarious. Cincinnati had really high quality comedians, clubs, and shows.
When it was all over we started driving West again. We had to go back and scoop up Kansas.
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