Talk of the town

It was a short ride from Raleigh to Chapel Hill. We began checking out local spots to get a feel for the town and learn its history. We started at a restaurant that boasted serving ‘the best burger in America’. People voted. I guess we missed election day. Regardless - between handling the polls, tallying absentee ballots, and cooking burgers, they certainly had their hands full.

The veracity of a country's ‘best burger’ claim can be tough to verify, but when it came to ‘most flies’, this place was the world's best. By the end of the meal I felt like a water buffalo that doesn’t even flinch as flies tapdance across its eyeballs. I didn't even care -- the burgers were that good.

Next we went to a bar called He’s Not Here. It’s known for selling large cups of beer - basically the size of buckets - for $5 dollars. Large quantities of beer for low quantities of money? Count us in. Dan C wanted to buy a T-shirt to remember the place, and when he asked the employee for a large shirt the employee said “We might have that size but I’d have to dig through the boxes to find it. Are you sure?”. Yeah. Go do your job.

Time to be a crotchety old man -- I’m tired of people complaining about their job while on shift. The other day I was buying some stuff at a gas station and while my card was processing, the cashier let out an exhausted groan and was like “Psshh, this sucks. I’ve still got another two hours to go”. So I said “Oh, long day?” and he said “Yeah, been here two hours already”. I wanted to zing him with a sarcastic “You poor soul. How ever do you manage?” but I was afraid he’d take it in earnest and sigh “I just put one foot in front of the other”.

If we were outside of a work setting, I’d be happy to commiserate over the drudgery of your day-to-day; but if I’m a customer, leave it out. I don’t want to feel like a pest for buying something. It’d be like if on stage I was constantly checking my watch and saying “Ugh, I could be at home relaxing, but you all just HAD to hear some jokes. Thanks a lot”.

Foodball

We moved on to a restaurant called Top of the Hill for dinner. Unbeknownst to us there was a live podcast with players and staff from the UNC football team taking place. We knew people in the triangle were passionate about sports, but Jesus. We had been under the impression that eating and interviewing were mutually exclusive, but evidently not in Chapel Hill. Sports come first.

Honestly, interviewing about football or basketball is stupid. Athletes want to win. Simple as that. Nothing profound or noteworthy has ever been uncovered in a pre or post game interview. It’s inane questions followed by boilerplate answers. Here’s literally every interview ever.

*Pre game

Interviewer: What do you want to do tonight?

Athlete: We, uh, wanna win, y’know? And like, we’re working hard to do that.

Interviewer: How are you planning to do it?

Athlete: Well we, uh, are gonna get the ball movin’ and try to score as much as possible.

Meanwhile everyone is hypnotized, hanging on every word like “Yeah, you know what? I hope they DO win. They’re making a lot of sense here”.

*Post game, after a loss

Interviewer: So how do you feel after that loss?

Athlete: Well, we ... uh … we’re pretty upset about that. It’s disappointing. But we’ll work harder for the next game, y’know?

Interviewer: How are you planning to do it?

Athlete: Well, y’know, we’ll go back to the drawing board and work harder.

Everyone watching is like ‘Yeah, you know what? They WILL work harder. You’ll see”.

Make me laugh, clown

It was tough to leave dinner in the middle of such a captivating interview, but we somehow managed to do it.

We went from Top O’ to the People’s Improv Theater (or PIT) for a set. PIT had recently been renovated and had a nice space. It was clean, well-lit, and still had the smell of paint and fresh cut wood.

The energy at PIT was great. There were college students and their friends, couples on a night out, and people randomly stopping in off the street. They also had unique twists on traditional standup. That night there was a bowl of Trump tweets that comics were encouraged to draw from and read aloud during their set.

Most comics selected a tweet and riffed at the beginning or end of their set, but some broke it up by choosing the middle. It definitely kept things interesting and real. Adding improv-esque comedic aspects into standup was a cool exercise in staying quick on your feet.

The show ended around 11 p.m. Our next city was Atlanta. We decided to split up the long haul by driving a few hours before morning. We found a Walmart halfway between the two cities and managed to steal a few Z’s before sunrise. When rays of morning light began piercing the windshield we got up, wolfed our body weight in pancakes at IHOP, and hit the road.